Wednesday, September 7, 2011

In response to Fuel TV:

Hi Patrick:
I’m a new producer with “The Daily Habit” on FUEL TV. On Monday we are interviewing Jack Passion, the star of “Whisker Wars”, and was wondering if you were free to make a cameo appearance in a funny sketch involving Passion? Do you still have your stache??? All of the guys here say you’d be perfect.
We’d need you at the Fox Lot from around 11-1 on Monday. I’ll have more details once we know you are free.
THANKS! I look forward to hearing from you.
Dave Strumpfh;
Producer/ FUEL TV

Dear Dave Strumpf;
In a shameful admission of guilt and un-masculinity, I bring to you the news that I woefully have cast asunder the follicle adornment which had rested just north of my upper lip for so many years. Although it brought me great joy in getting stuck in my teeth and constantly tickling my nasal passageways, not to mention the excitement it would bring me upon seeing small children run away in terror. The problem lied in the preposterous and unexpected, 'Little shop of horrors' way in which my moustache , not only became a kind of fifth appendage, but took on a life of its own. While ruling my social schedule and being in such high demand for public gatherings and the like, I began to see that the real Patrick Melcher's life was diminishing. In a Kafkaesque way, this siamese twin of mine perched below my nose, had all but taken over. Making demands, stealing the soap whilst we bathed, and hoarding all the food that I was attempting to pass through my oral canal were just the first signs that this moustache had to go.
International fame and fortune had gotten to this dude's head. While checking the site 'patrick melcher's moustache' one day, it dawned on me that this ball of hair had unwittingly become more popular than me in cyberspace as well. He was getting more press than I. The parasitic bastard had simply engulfed my life. Simple though it was, my life seemed on track and shaping up to be prosperous. Now here comes this smug villan, refusing to leave his nesting area, never contributing, just simply taking all of my energy and stamina to keep up with his numerous photo shoots and nightlife appearances.
I think it was in the middle of my third refusal to do the Larry King show, or could it have been when I was hanging up on Conan O'Brian? when I had the revelation to simply grab those scissors and take action.
So, here I stand before you, a shell of a man. Bald faced. What meager shrubbery that lies upon my facade now, simply a shadow, and echo if you will, of glory days gone by. The moustache.... gone. Any hopes and dreams of the two of us skitting and frollicing in on the set of the daily habit are too long gone. I wish I had better news. I wish things had gone different. I can only hope that the second time around, if I can bring myself to accept a re-growth of follicle stimulation in the form of stasche-dom, I will take with me the lessons that I have learned in this laborious journey through the camps and trenches of public moustache wearing.
Thank you for thinking of us for this project.
Good luck on your quest for fellow beardsmen in the action sports realm.
Be well, and if you would be so kind as to not mention my facial baldness to 'The Great One'. Mr Passion is a reveared and respected peer and it would shame me to no end if he found out about my losing battle against this facial terrorist.

3 comments:

Lovrenc said...

Awesomely written.

Hanna said...

what a brilliant reply - to a pretty upsetting tragedy.

Elena Nito Delbosque said...

lovely reflexion